There’s a phrase, “she’s come unhinged.”
Literally, the supports have worn away. What has held her up, allowed her to function – it’s no longer there.
I envision a door, leaning, busted and sad. The cold breeze creeps in through Winter. Hot, stagnant air flows through in Summer. The wood in the frame rots and decays.
I’ve felt that way. I’ve been the door. Off her hinges.
Here is the thing
to remember:
the moment you notice,
you are back.
– Colleen Wainwright, Unmoored
In high school, I took Prozac for a little while. It made me feel weird. Frenetic. Unnervingly happy.
Happy is not the same as joyful.
If I took it too late in the day, I would wake up in the wee hours of the morning. Sit, straight up – wide awake.
I didn’t like it. It was unnatural.
Maybe it “fixed me” but I still felt broken.
After college, while attempting a more conventional life, I spiraled down into depression again. I knew things weren’t right but I didn’t know how bad it was. I went from a size 10 to a size 0. I slept til 11am. I substituted caffeine for joy.
One day, in the stock room of the bookstore I managed, the words, “I just want to feel like I did on Prozac,” came out of my mouth.
That was it. I knew.
In that moment, I was back.
It took much longer to paint the door and hang it back on it’s hinges. Apply the WD40. Weather proof the cracks.
Anything that has come undone and be redone. Anything that has been unconnected can be reconnected.
Yes, even you.
{ image by Aunt Owwee }
"wonderful blend of heart and soul
Kick Start Labs is a New Economy microbusiness community. 
Imagine your business at the next level of success. Insight Intensives are for coaches, authors, designers, and others. 
Startups: turn your big ideas into profitable business models & compelling outreach. Email us to learn more: general@taragentile.com.
"The
Thanks for this.
You are wonderful.
Depression is a horrible thing. Paralyzing. Doing work that we love and we care about really can help someone see the depression from the other side. Anytime that I worked full time I needed anti depressants, so I thought. I found that a lot of my depression was just working out bad relationships and really letting go and improving my mind frame. However each case is as unique as the individual. Thanks Tara for being another survivor and letting us know so that we feel even more human.
Thank you
Thank you for posting this. Totally hits home.
Kudos and thanks !
It takes courage, even now, to admit that you have or have had depression. Imagine what it was like 20 years ago when I was first diagnosed, and what I suffered for the 20 years before that. I don’t dwell on the “lost” years too often, but live in the here and now, and still celebrate lots of the little victories.
Tara, thank you for sharing! I have mentioned this in the past when you discussed this topic before that I too struggle with crippling depression. It must be an artist thing or maybe a lack of Vit D thing. January and February of this year have been my worst moments yet. I have never been willing to try Prozac; I also have another reproductive condition that brings me down so I’m on drugs for other things. That said, over the last two weeks I decided to go off all drugs except one and completely change my lifestyle. I wake up in the morning and do yoga, I break at noon to work out for an hour or go for a walk, before I go to bed I do yoga again. It’s easier than I thought. I got this AM/PM yoga DVD with Rodney Yi. It’s 20 minutes of meditative yoga in the morning and night, that I can pop in easily. I also eat NO SUGAR and I’m taking 10,000 IUs of Vitamin D and a liquid multi-vitamin. Guess what? The depression went away. That isn’t to say it won’t return, but I am nurturing myself much more than I was. I have also made it a requirement to go somewhere tropical and sunny this time of year, every year. I have accepted that I am not like a lot of other people and it is imperative to nourish my spirit if I want to have a happy and healthy life…the only other choice was to take drugs. You are courageous and creative, stay strong. I know you will find a way through it!
I absolutely love this post. Is 100% pure honesty and just reveals that it is perfectly ok to talk about ours ups and downs without the fear of being rejected or being seen as someone “negative” or “different.”
This is great. Thanks for to everyone who shared.
I especially love this line — “I have accepted that I am not like a lot of other people and it’s imperative to nourish my spirit….” It is a great day when that lesson is realized. I have suffered from depression and anxiety attacks for almost 20 years and I’ve learned to take care of myself during those times. And now I’m trying to help my daughter, a young adult, how to, as you say, nourish her spirit.
Amazing. Thank you.
thanks for sharing tara. it takes courage to share the darkness and offer it up in hope to shed some light. though i would never assume to know how you felt during this time, I know how i felt during a similar time in my life. it was a dichotomy, though i was literally alive i felt life less. void of joy. of love. and there is nothing more agonizing than being that far off center from who we truly are.
I like your analogy of being “unhinged.” what a creative way to express the inexpressible experience of depression. to me it felt like it’s infection was plagued with “the nothing” experience. i remember feeling like an egg and having all my guts sucked out while maintaining form and consciousness. somehow i didn’t crack. a testament to this is that i am still alive. though i was brought to the edge of myself. over time i began to be nourished back to life again. with each bread crumb inspiration left (and that i followed & took action with), my pulse got stronger. I traveled this road longer than is sexy to admit. but i traveled it.
AND now am unhinged for all the right reasons! She’s come undone in excitement, let loose with freedom, unraveled into ecstasy, leaves the door wide open, has returned to center, is a carefree spirit!
best wishes ~stephey
I appreciate how candid you are. I have struggled with depression and medication and know all to well what broken feels like. I hit a low period every winter despite light therapy and medication but you are so right about having that moment of awareness. As soon as I recognize I am in trouble I can begin to rebuild and knowing that makes it OK. I think this can apply to so many facets of life and work. We tend not to notice when things shift slightly in our daily lives and then suddenly…OH this is not working, and we can begin to make changes. Good food for thought! Thanks
Love this & I love how open you are about facing tough struggles you’ve been through. I think we all can relate to some extent, I know I definitely need my fair share of WD40 at times to get back on track!
Brava, brave lady!
I love your perspective as to when you realise you want to get better you are on your way out. Perfect. I too have lived with depression and anxiety for almost 20 years and it’s crap. Mix it in with PMDD and it’s really crap.
Thankyou for your honesty and openness. It’s very appreciated.
I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for years now – probably close to 20; I’ve only been medicated for the last 2 after suffering with an ugly bout of post-partum. I wonder what my life would be like if I had been on medication for the entire time, especially during my years at university and early in my career.
Thank you for this post, Tara. It’s reassuring to know there are others out there
Oh yes, I have been there, am kind of there now. I know that “unhinged” feeling, but it creeps so slowly up on me. Until one day I think exactly as you said, I want to feel like I did when I was on my medication.
Sometimes I’ve gone back, sometimes I remained stubborn and let it flow. But eventually at some point I would realize I was glued back together.
I’m glad I can make the decision to get help when I need it. When I don’t some people ask me why I don’t get help. I’ve found that if you wait for something or someone else to help you not a lot happens. So go out and get through it, you will come together again, and unhinged again, but it’s life and you’re living it!
Great post, Tara. Thanks for being so honest with your readers, as always. And thanks for introducing me to Colleen Wainwrights blog!
Tara, sweetheart. Thank you xx
I have been depressed my whole life, since I was 6 at any case. It will not end as it is hardwired now – my personality is so entwined and I have 2 people in this head of mine. I have seen everyone imaginable and done so much therapy but the biggest lesson I have learnt is to be me in every moment – good or bad and to no longer hide behind the mask of pleasing others at my own detriment. The hinges will never be fixed on my doors, but in the moments when they open and close without too much effort I can breathe and I am thankful.
I have been stopped in my tracks….had to read it twice and will again. I think many women can relate to becoming unhinged with the hope and fear of changing.
Self nurturing is sending a message to yourself that “I’m worth it”. A timely reminder to me….I am grateful. Sue
This is so relevant and true. Especially, this week as I have tried to keep it together. One think I am learning is that you have to do what it take to get to the good. Sometimes, that is taking medicine and sometimes it may be speaking up. I personally, have been doing a lot of light therapy these days and it helps. Thanks for this post.
Thank you, Tara! I definitely needed this, especially the “Anything that has come undone and be redone. Anything that has been unconnected can be reconnected” part.
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve had my fair share of the ‘unhinged’ and it was so comforting to read this one. There’s this book I read a while back called “learning to float”, which talked about the idea that life isn’t about struggling to swim through the water, but about learning to float/bounce back after the waves. xxx
Great post Tara.
It’s great to see someone bring this up. So many of us struggle with it but don’t feel like we can openly talk about it. We all seem to deal with it in one way or another either through battling with it ourselves, a parent, our husbands, sibling or worse yet… our children. I believe that highly creative people are meant to have the lows. Our brains are just wired that way. It might sound a bit Buddhist of me…but without the suffering I don’t think we would be so good at what we do. There is something to be said about that kind of insight that makes us more in tuned with that other side. Now, I’m not saying that one should give into to it.. do yoga, take a walk, talk to a friend, take your vit D and omega 3s, try to get as much sunlight as possible, eat as healthy as you can, and by no means help it with drinking or drugs… but maybe just maybe if we could honor our winter and acknowledging it’s presence…while still taking care of ourselves…as best we can… and believe that it WILL lift….just as snow melts, the sun rises and spring arrives and great ideas will flow.
found your post compelling … because of your honesty and reality … thanks for sharing your journey … keep on keeping on with the reconnecting … well done