This piece originally appeared as an exclusive for my subscribers… but I couldn’t bare to not share it with you as well.
There are naysayers in our lives who reinforce our own fear of action & creation.
These aren’t people who live on the periphery or hang out in the shadows; they’re our husbands, wives, sisters, friends, parents…
They mean well – they’re not trying to squash our dreams or ridicule our ideas. They just don’t want to see us get hurt, they don’t want to see us fail.
They’ve been taught over & over again that “doing something different” doesn’t get rewarded, it gets punished.
When I first started blogging, my husband didn’t get it. I told him I was building a business, that I was working, that I was trying to contribute to the family.
Each time I opened the laptop, I could feel his disapproval. It weighed on me. I felt guilty for researching artists while breastfeeding (what the heck else was I supposed to do?). I rushed through writing in the evening so that he could putz around on Facebook.
I made every accommodation I could while still working towards my goal.
Little by little, things started to change.
“Working” went from a euphemistic put down to a legitimate call to arms. Small victories brought larger ones.
I’m going to tell you that it wasn’t easy to change his mind. In fact, I never really did.
His support doesn’t come from understanding the work – it comes from seeing the results.
In fact, I asked him, “What advice would you have for someone who’s struggling with getting started or keeping momentum because of unsupportive people around her?”
He said, “Tell her to just keep going. And leave a trail.”
Wow! Sometimes I DO remember why I married him. Yes! Leave a trail of results. Leave a trail of ideas initiated. Leave a trail of breadcrumbs so your naysayers can come find you in the forest of success.
If you are waiting to start until you have the approval of others, even those closest to you, you will be waiting forever.
You need to start so that you can show results. Results matter.
It doesn’t mean you need to succeed at everything you do. In fact, I’ve failed a lot on this path. You can fail and still have results that mean something.
In fact, failing gives you an incredibly valuable result. It’s one thing you no longer have to try, one thing not weighing on your consciousness of ideas.
When I work with a client or compose an email to send you, it’s always with results in mind. It’s not enough for me to communicate a message. I need to say something that creates a result for you.
The goals I have, the blog posts I write, the projects I start – it’s all to create a result. Sometimes the results are financial. Sometimes they’re mental. Sometimes they mean my family doesn’t see me for awhile and sometimes it means they get sick of me.
The result is the key.
People – yes, even that cantankerous person you’re thinking of right now – respect results.
Even if they don’t understand how the result was achieved. Even if they disapprove of the process. Even if they can’t imagine living that way or never imagined you’d live that way.
The result is what lasts.
But you have to get started to get a result.
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If I wait for the approval of my Greek parents in-law I really would be waiting forever.
Their idea is to get a job, get married, get a loan, buy a house, have children.
Any variation to that philosophy just doesn’t wash.
I’m sure I’ll change their minds as soon as I can show them results. Watch this space…
Alison, your comment resonated with me! Ha! I am half Greek and I know exactly what you mean:) Believe me, they will be your biggest cheerleaders once they do see the results of your hard work – even if it isn’t babies and a good job right away. Eventually they will give in! Good luck to you!
Tara,
You rocked this post! Making a note to get back and refer to it soon.
Vana
hi Tara! this is a great post. reminds me of what Thomas Edison once said,”I now know 10,000 ways NOT to make a light bulb.” What we learn doesn’t work, is just as much of a result, as when we learn does work. i see the only difference being tenacity and commitment to self, to the very idea being worked on. I mean, what if thomas edison had given up at failing?
I loved this first time around and again! I have always done things my way but perhaps not wholeheartedly because of the naysayers. It was when I learned to do it my way and stop caring what anyone thinks that things started to happen for me.
Ali I am watching
Tara,
I love this and it’s something I’ve been thinking about for the past year.
After 4 years over at The Mogul Mom, I recently realized that I had never talked about my work the same way my husband talks about his work. I had never explained to my husband and kids why I work, what I do and how it makes me feel. I had never explained to them how mommy’s work helps pay for things like dinners out, new books, movie tickets and trips to the zoo.
I also realized that to my husband and kids, my lack of discussion or explanation of my work probably made them think I was just fooling around on the computer or worse, ignoring them.
I think parents and husbands and children and friends would “get” us (and maybe even approve) if we were more open about what we do, why we do it and how it makes us feel.
This is going to be a big part of my work going forward…
Thanks for opening up the discussion, Tara.
Heather
I can relate – exactly – to trying to squeeze in work while nursing and feeling guilty about working at night “hogging” the computer. I am turning a new page and taking myself more seriously so that others will too. I am hiring a babysitter and we got an ipad so that my husband can still surf while I am working. Thank you for this post Tara, right on as usual.
This one really hit me between the eyes this morning.
I’ve never felt like my husband has fully supported my chosen career path as a lampwork jewellery designer. I feel most likely its because I dont earn as big a paycheck as I did when I was in a ‘normal’ job. But he also knows that having worked in business administration and accounts, I have a good understanding of how to run a small business from home.
But like you, he’s all about the results rather than the path that leads us there and I also belive my impression of his reactions has a lot to do with him not showing any enthusiasm for my plans in expanding my business.
I recently dumped him in the deep end telling him I wanted to open a Winter Market stall at a permanent market for 3 months, which we are starting to fit out today, I nearly had to present him with my business plan to convince him that it was viable!
Sure I feel guilty that I’m spending a decent sum on fitting out the space as a little boutique to get peoples attention and to present my product appropriately and guilty in knowing that the traffic is a little slow down there this time of year and it may take a while for any financial result however, I know that I am on the right path and it is about more than just sales for me, its about exposing my brand to the public as well!
It still does not make it easy to carry along with a dose of guilt thrown in if they want to hang out with you for a day and you’re just too darn busy and they dont seem to understand that you ARE working…….not bumming around.
This is my 3rd time reading this and each time it’s just as revolutionary AND “revelation”ary for me, Tara! After 11 years of working dead-end jobs full-time, contributing my best & it never being enough and obtaining an MBA, I’ve somehow been able to come to this point, where I have convinced my boss to let me work contract so I can finally pursue what I love. I don’t know why he approved it, but he did and I plan on utilizing it to the fullest extent!! It is still surreal to me that it’s happening, but I’m here to tell you that this is the crux of taking the leap – you MUST relinquish the obsession with others’ opinions or disbelief that you can actually make it happen. We CAN make it happen! Loren Ridinger, CEO of Market America, recently spoke to a room full of entrepreneurs at the University of Miami on this same topic. She said, “it is going to happen because you’re going to MAKE it happen!” And to that, we all say, “Amen!” http://www.marketamerica.com/index.cfm?action=media.wpVidPlayer&mediaID=MAMEDIA437&mediaType=video
*Senior Vice President. Sorry.
This was a great post Tara! I love that you’re inspiring confidence to move forward, do what you want to do, & be happy.
I agree with Heather about talking about what you do. It’s like when you’re pitching an idea to some blogger, you have to have a pitch ready that talks about your blog & your purpose. It’s the same with people who wonder about your “business”. You should have a little pitch ready that tells them what you do & why you love it. You can always expound on it if you need to.
I just wrote a 3 part series on the topic of support on MeaganVisser.com last week & the last post was about finances. I definitely don’t think men view things the way we would as women. They need proof a lot of times. Now some men are great at support, & others struggle. It all depends on how we view support. As far as finances go, seeing money does win them over, but when their isn’t a trial to be seen & your significant other is getting frustrated about your investments {time, money} then it’s probably time to decide what’s important & have a sit down with your husband to discuss it.
What a great post! It resonated with me and obviously many others. While my friends and family say “why do you spend so much time on that stuff that you don’t make any money from” I’ll wave this post in front of them. Thanks for being inspirational!
Brenda
I am feeling grateful to have the full support of my husband. We’ve recently become business partners making vintage-style Super 8 wedding and family films. I’ve had multiple people tell us not to go into business as husband and wife, but I am so glad we did it. We’re each others’ biggest cheerleaders. If I had listened to my family, I wouldn’t have had the bravado to do it either. Or start the handmade jewelry business I started before that. Exercising my creative life has been so fulfilling! So… I’ve just had to learn to sometimes listen a little less!
Hi Tara,
Thanks for this inspirational post, loved it…..
Very inspiring. I butted heads with my mom quite a bit when I first went out on my own. I can’t tell how you many times she said “When are you just going to get a job?” or how many books she bought me on how to enjoy menial work.
Even as I’m within weeks of sending my book to the publisher, yesterday she said to me: “I wish you had a job where you got a regular paycheck.” We were discussing how the publisher only sends out checks once a quarter.
I’m not sure that anyone in my family could tell you what exactly it is that I do, even my daughter’s father who believe it or not, had the great idea for me to build my own business.
Hello TAra.
This is the the …nd time i read this post.
I started a shop on Etsy, because i hate my day job (I´m an architect – yes creativity – doing word docs all day on a full time job).
Then I started to hate even more my day job, because i love to be at home doing some experiences on polymer clay or acrylic or crochet…
Every time I say that I have something to offer and would like to quit my day job everyone (my husbnad is the first) say that i´m crazy -and i live in Portugal – the crises ohh the crises… (and yes i come to this post from http://www.taragentile.com/exploratory-project/).
When talking with my husband, the other day, regarding the lack of time to dedicate to my Etsy Shop (i´ve been late, very late, sending the orders to my few costumers) thinking about closing it, he said “no way, you can manage…” (Nem pensar tu consegues – in portuguese, of course).
This articles are amazing, and i´d love to “go for it” work with my time, with my imagination, because there´s so much inside my head hat don´t come out because the day is to short, and I hope, some time soon, i can say to you “I quit my day job and i´m now living happly”.
Thank you so much